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Saturday, May 25th, 2002
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12:09 am
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i think i need to give up the hope on him take the good things as they come along but don't pine away for them anymore. you like him but come on sarah really he's over you for the moment at least. but he is really fucking cute and yummy heheh urgh
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 28th, 2002
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8:36 pm
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can you please explain
the reasons why you were so
afraid of consequence
when we first said hello
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 25th, 2002
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1:00 pm
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as happiness disolves in the silence
your face haunting me
depression soon takes hold
resuming it's comfortable place in my soul
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
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7:33 pm - *sigh*
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[21:25] Sarah: someone spent the night somewhere else last night and well like yeah hehe
[21:25] nlitzm: *tsk* *tsk* LOL
[21:25] Sarah: *giggles*
[21:25] Sarah: I'm horrible I know
[21:25] Sarah: and I know in the end it's probably going to hurt me
[21:25] Sarah: but ya know what I don't care right now
[21:25] nlitzm: awww
do his kind words mean the things my heart wants to hear? do his oh so sweet looks and kisses mean anything at all? Am I just a play thing or does he really care?Do I care either way? I'd like to say no, I'd like to say yes. My heart is full of loves songs for him. His I have no clue about. I'll probably end up hurt in the end, because he'll move on and I'll realize I'm attached and won't want to let go. oh what to do *sigh* did I mention he's really cute and so sweet and yum yum? heheh
current mood:  hopeful
current music: pretty when you cry - vast
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 18th, 2002
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5:59 pm
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well things are sorta better now. Steve still wants reassurance that once I'm ready for a relationship that I'll go to him, but I can't say that. I'm not even sure that I want to date him again. I'm attracted to Steve yes and he's a wonderful friend, but I'd feel bad for like basically just using him again. like was done in our first relationship. I was lonely and there he was. of course I was mostly depressed during that which of course I was up in school and I rarely saw Steve except on the weekends. and even then not much. so anyway I don't know what to do. I wonder what I would do if David wasn't acting like he is still. would I be so hesitant to date Steve? I really honestly don't know the answer to that question. I'd probably be more depressed. cause even though this whole thing with David sorta depresses me only because I know there is no guarantee that it will be there tomorrow I still enjoy it immensely and don't wish for it to end. I would love it if David were to ask me back out. I would undoubtedly say yes again. which would probably cause more problems then I'm willing to deal with right now but fuck them all right? me happy ,not them, screw them!
*sigh* i'm so fucked up
current mood:  confused
current music: good to be alive - dj rap
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(comment on this)
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12:18 pm - grr i can't ever get a fucking break
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okay so my morning started off with this wonderful email
"well, i guess it is convenient to tell someone that you have feelings for them, and could see them as more than a friend, when safely tucked away in the safety of another relationship, not having to worry about any
repercussions...but then when the opportunity is available, your true intentions and feelings become painfully clear. i believe that you're a good person, and i obviously have strong feelings for you. however, that apparently doesn't hold true for your feelings about me in the slightest, seeing as your list of priorities has seemingly placed me down as a last
resort effort for alleviating lonliness. now obviously i can't continue to go after you knowing that you must not have feelings for me, because it
wouldn't do me any good.. but it's too bad you couldn't be more open and honest with me about how you felt. it's also too bad you don't see the potential i see in things, or simply choose to ignore it. at any rate, if you do ever decide that you do have feelings for me and want to have a relationship with me, tell me. for now though, with exception of reading your reply to this email, i'm gonna kinda go away and distance myself from you until i can successfully pretend that i don't have as strong of feelings
for you as i do.. which, btw, my true feelings for you will never change. i'll talk to you later, when i'm doing better, but i just can't handle it right now.. although you're probably thinking to yourself, "sweet, he's gonna leave me alone for a while".. but oh well. [sighs] i'm sorry.. for.. everything. talk to ya later.
steve"
grr! so like i'm fricken depressed all day. I feel like crap for treating steve so bad. but i said no. and he siad he'd back off and now argh! so anyway i work on a reply to him and talk to david and jon about feeling horrible and such and then jon being the ass he was just says things and makes it worse cause he's bitter and jealous still. hmmph! david helpped a bit course he always does. so anyway my reply was
"hell i'm not even sure where to begin on this reply. Aside from the huge urge to just scream really loud and say fuck it and forget everything and everyone and become a hermit i'm not sure what else to do. I'm sorry i've made you feel like you do, in order to recieve an email like that from you. Your not at the bottom of my priority list steve. It's just when you were really going after me it made me feel uncomfortable and instead of saying anything i just tried to avoid those situations and i'm sorry about that. sometimes i think my friends know me better then they do. it would hurt me dearly to have you distance yourself from me and i've already felt you doing that this past week and it's made me sad, but i suppose i did it to myself. I'm sorry i can't even begin to say how sorry i am . I'm sorry i wasn't ready for you this time. I really do have feelings for you, but i went from a year long relationship to a 3 week relationship. i need time for myself. When dating jon i gave everything of myself to him and once i was free of that relationship i've been doing some selfish things because i haven't done things for myself in so long. I feel bad about it and i wish i could change how things have occured since the day Jon and i broke up. i just don't know what to do anymore. i just don't understand why you have to be with me right now. i mean yes i'm available but ..i don't know. i just don't see why you want to be with me so much. *beats head on keyboard* why is everything in my life going to hell all at once. I just don't know anymore. i desperatly don't want you to distance yourself from me, specially when i need my friends so much now, but that's your choice and i don't want to hurt you further. *sighs and tries to keep from crying to noticeably * stupid computer lab. so by distancing yourself does this mean i won't see you at all? like on weekends and such? if you like i could stop hanging out with the group and find other things to do. maybe stay in ames and do some homework. who knows. but i'd do anything to fix this between us. god i hate myself *stops before she quotes a song* i feel so horrible right now. least yesterday was a partially good day. oh and you never msged me back to see why i said something like squeaks estatically happy...i aced my geo test and my astro test and next year i get my own room yay me if i live that long it'll be cool. i'm sorry steve i really am. I'm going to miss you, infact i was missing you already but i guess that's my own fault.
*sigh*"
anyway i had more i wanted to rant about but now i'm not so sure. oh i got a new email from steve that i just read
"you see, every time i've gone after you, you weren't ready for a relationship.. but then when you were, you always wound up with someone else. this has happened with john, alan, jon, and david.. and has never changed. ...and now, i've had no reassurance or indication that it might be any different this time, and that just hurts. and your "i don't think you have to worry about someone taking me away seeing as you are the only person interested in me at the moment, least that i know of..apparently i tend to be pretty blind to people liking me" just doesn't reassure me. i also wish you'd realize that you wouldn't be losing the ability to be yourself by being with me. i'd give or do anything to be with you again, and am willing to wait for when you're ready.. but i just need some sort of indication of about how long it'll be until you're ready, and some reassurance that you'll actually be with me when you are ready for a relationship.
steve"
now i need to start on a reply to that. argh the fucking drama never stops but i don't want to lose steve as a friend.
i'm moving to canada
current mood:  bitchy
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 11th, 2002
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4:11 pm - aaah this song never was as depressing as it is now
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Waking Up Beside You
I've been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay
So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day
But I had memorized the way our eyes
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
I've been so alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone
But I memorized how warm your body felt
as you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight
filled the room and played upon your body
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 9th, 2002
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8:13 pm - ooh i have a dead journal now
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figured this would be a more appropriate place to bitch about my depression, call me crazy but hey it works. So i'm currently compliling a playlist, at the moment it's 85 songs of depressing goodness but i need more. I've listened to these songs so much they just don't always have the same affect. Anyway that's enough for today.
current mood: bitchy
current music: i remember - stabbing westward
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(comment on this)
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